- Joy Boy: What's with her?
- Dave the Dude: Aah, she just wants a bunch of kids.
- Joy Boy: Kids? Aw, they're mean when they get on that kick.
- Queenie Martin: [Queenie walks with her make-up artists] Alright, gang, here's your challenge. Come on, Annie, stand up and meet your makers. It's okay.
- [Annie stands up]
- Queenie Martin: Now this has got to be a complete overhaul, kids, from top to bottom.
- Joy Boy: Don't forget a new set of kidneys.
- Queenie Martin: All right, Annie, lets go.
- [leading Annie to the bedroom]
- Queenie Martin: Come on wizards, let's wiz!
- Dave the Dude: Let's go. Let's go.
- Junior: [Junior shaking his head] My old lady always said you can't make a pig's ear out of an old sow.
- Pierre: Monsieur, your old lady was not Pierre! Hum!
- Count Alfonso Romero: What time will the guests arrive?
- Butler: Oh, well, no one arrives first, Sir. They all come in last.
- Joy Boy: [rounding up Darcey's goons] Alright we'll tie them up and lock them in the bathroom and when he gets his apple, we'll be back to pick ya up!
- Junior: [pushing the goons] Move!
- Dave the Dude: Oh Wait a minute, lock them in the closet, Joy Boy. The maid just waxed the bathroom floor!
- Dave the Dude: Hey Joy Boy, how is your Spanish?
- Joy Boy: As good as my French and they both stink!
- Dave the Dude: Hey Junior, did you learn anything from Spanish Lena?
- Junior: Spanish Lena was a Hungarian...
- Dave the Dude: Don't nobody know nothin'?
- Dave the Dude: So, where am I gonna find a husband? Now, where am I gonna find her a husband, huh? In Macy's basement?
- Junior: They don't sell them there, boss.
- Dave the Dude: [handing butler a large sum of money] Ok Hutch, this oughtta take care of the helps for a while, you split it up amongst them...
- Butler: Oh... heh heh
- Dave the Dude: They know enough to keep their mouth shut?...
- Butler: And their ears, yes sir...
- Dave the Dude: You told them what happens if they didn't...
- Butler: Oh yes
- [forming a gun with his fingers imitating the sound of a machine gun]
- Butler: da da da da da da da da...
- Dave the Dude: [putting a hand out to stop the 'gun'] Don't... don't do that...
- Junior: [Sitting at a chess board, picks up a piece] Hey, boss! This guy's got checkers with horses on 'em.
- Spanish Consul: What would I be doing with a Japanese houseboy?
- Carlos Romero: That's what we were wondering.
- Dave the Dude: When I located him on the phone, he cried. Imagine! I cried, too. It was the wettest long-distance call.
- Queenie Martin: You cried? I've never seen you cry.
- Queenie Martin: Oh, when I'm happy, when I'm really happy, I'm a Niagara.
- Dave the Dude: Where do you think you're goin'?
- Butler: Well, I - I'm fleeing from armageddon, Sir. With my cardiac condition, I - I just cannot take unhappy endings. So I'm off to join Mr. Kent in Havana, Sir.
- Dave the Dude: With two broken legs?
- Butler: My legs, sir? Oh, they're quite - O - Oo! Very cleverly put, Sir. Yes. Thank you, Sir. Yes.
- Dave the Dude: You see, Count, it's sort of a family joke. You know how it is. I always feel that these apples bring me luck.
- Count Alfonso Romero: What a sharming idea. I have same feeling about onions.
- Judge Henry G. Blake: Congratulations, Carlos! This is a great, historic moment. The union of our two families, the Montagues and the Capulets.
- Police Commissioner: Would you hold the wire chief? Dave the Dude - bootlegger, racketeer and gambler - wants to tell me a beddy-bye story!
- Dave the Dude: Honey, I'll marry you. I'll fight dempsey. I'll kiss a cop, anything. Let's get started now.
- Dave the Dude: It's okay for you to shake this, you didn't want this in the first place. But, I'm a man. I'm a man that needs a little action.
- Queenie Martin: Action? Prohibition's over, isn't it?
- Dave the Dude: Annie, will you tell me, why do I always believe that your apples bring me luck, huh? Will you tell me?
- Apple Annie: Because the little people like you.
- Dave the Dude: What little people?
- Apple Annie: Oh, you can't see 'em. They live in dreams.
- Dave the Dude: Little people like me, huh? Why?
- Apple Annie: Because they like children, beggars, and poets.
- Dave the Dude: And that makes me a poet?
- Apple Annie: You wanna *believe* in somethin'. Right now, it's my apple. S,o the little people jump in it, see? That's why this apple'll bring you luck.
- Dave the Dude: Why you old con dame. Go on.
- Dave the Dude: [after being kissed by Queenie] You gorgeous stack of cupcakes, you come here. Come on, you started this.
- Queenie Martin: [singing] Baby, baby, baby... Baby, baby, *baby*... I love you... Hope you love me too, Ooo!
- [talking]
- Queenie Martin: All right, all right, you wonderful bunch of ex-lawbreakers, this is the last night, the last song, and the last bottle's on the house! Hooray!
- Dave the Dude: I'm making a meeting with our future, sweetheart. Mr. Big, himself.
- Queenie Martin: Not Darcey.
- Dave the Dude: You're right. Darcey.
- Queenie Martin: Oh, Dude, no.
- Dave the Dude: Why?
- Queenie Martin: You're not going to Chicago?
- Dave the Dude: No. The Mountain is comin' to the Dude. I'm not going to Chicago.
- Junior: There ain't a beggar on the street, I'm tellin' ya. It's scary! It's like Broadway was naked! I'm ashamed to look at it.
- Dave the Dude: You're not goin' out that door! You owe me one thing, Queenie, and I'm gonna collect. You hear me? You ain't leavin' here without...
- Dave the Dude: Will you get me a pair of pants, will you, please?
- Queenie Martin: You change your own diapers!
- Dave the Dude: I said, "pants me!"
- Dave the Dude: I took you from nothing and made you into something.
- Queenie Martin: For what? So I could become a gangster's flashy moll? Not me, mister.
- Dave the Dude: You ain't walkin' out on me. You ain't walkin' out on me, not on Dave the Dude.
- Queenie Martin: I'm not walking. I'm running.
- Apple Annie: Well, if it isn't my dear friend, the Dave of Dude and his charming broad.
- Dave the Dude: She's just bagged again. You had me worried. Where's the bottle, Annie? All right.
- Apple Annie: So nice of you to come. The Butler will take your things.
- Queenie Martin: Lovely estate you have here, Lady Chatterley.
- Apple Annie: It's nothing really, just something I - I keep for the hunting season. Everybody's coming down for the hunting season, don't you know?
- Queenie Martin: Oh, the flea hunt, isn't it?
- Queenie Martin: I got troubles, Annie, but, boy, you - you need a miracle.
- Apple Annie: What am I going to do?
- Dave the Dude: Boy, you better keep your mind off that dizzy blonde you're runnin' around with.
- Junior: I don't tink about her during the daytime, boss!
- Junior: I didn't see 'em before, boss. I should drop dead!
- Dave the Dude: Maybe you should.
- Junior: That's only an expression.
- Queenie Martin: She's an old souse, maybe, but she's full of dreams.
- Dave the Dude: Ah, she's full of gin.
- Queenie Martin: Well, here they are, the miracle workers. Here's my maid, manicurist, hairdresser, chiropodist, masseuse, and, the pièce de résistance: Pierre of the Saxon Plaza, Pierre the divine. Take a bow, toots.
- Joy Boy: You can't palm that crocodile off as society. I mean, she couldn't fool a pedigreed cocker spaniel.
- Dave the Dude: Well, we'd have to clean her up some.
- Joy Boy: Some?
- Judge Henry G. Blake: I'll do my best, but, at my age, the libido is *most* unpredictable.
- Queenie Martin: Don't worry about that. What did you say?
- Judge Henry G. Blake: Your humble servant, Madam, and your eager spouse.
- Queenie Martin: Oh well, Judge, that's the best offer I've had all day.
- Dave the Dude: No wonder he's droolin'. Listen, you fricasseed Casanova, not her! You're gonna marry Apple Annie.
- Judge Henry G. Blake: Apple Annie?